One of my friends just returned to school for a masters degree. The university he is attending has a large & active Greek scene that is infamous for it’s douchebaginess. A prime offender is TKE – I am sure it is full of nice people but the sum of the individuals creates a superrdense mass of drunken farts. Part of the fun of being a real frat boy is pretending that you are some type of distinguished men’s club. Anyways, he was mistakenly solicited for membership in this fine institution and responded with an entertainingly straightforward email – the questions that everyone is afraid to ask. Read on:

TKE Informal Spring Recruitment

Dear Sophomores, Junior and Senior Men,

Hope everyone had a good break. Ny name is Rudolph MacGregor, AJ Flacker and myself are the Rush and Recruitment chairs for Tau Kappa Epsilon. We are looking for a few good men for spring informal recruitment. This fraternity has helped me grow in a variety of ways. It has helped me expand intellectually, emotionally and certainly physically. We pride ourselves on love, charity and esteem, this is the backbone of who we are. It has been a truly wonderful experience for me.

Don’t just take my word for it, if you have interest or questions regarding the spring informal recruitment process please contact myself or AJ Flacker. Thanks for your time and good luck with the upcoming semester.

Sincerely,

Rudolph McGregor

Re: TKE Informal Spring Recruitment

Dear Esteemed Gentleman,
Thank you for your kind invitation. I appreciate such a warm offer from what I am sure is a well-respected organization. I am interested in this “secret society”, but I have some questions about the pledge process:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much of the pledge process involves binge drinking? I actually have a full-time job so I may have to skip some nights-sorry!

2. How much of the pledge process will involve eating/drinking off other men’s naked bodies? I am kind of a germophobe and I may have to ask for a waiver from these activities, unless some kind of cleanliness certification can be done prior to the activities that involve actual exchange of bodily fluids. Are you Serv-Safe certified?

3. Is there a secret handshake? If so, how hard is it to learn? I always have trouble with that stuff. Is there some kind of mnemonic to remember it (i.e. King Phillip lit a candle in his pledge mate’s rear for dinner)?

4. Are there any animal sacrifices? I am an avid hunter and I may be able to wound some animals, then bring them to the ceremonies. I also may be able to procure a net that could be used to capture animals.

5. Are there mixers with the sororities? I am married, so I will not be able to attend, however I may be able to help with random STD testing at the events.

6. Does the homoerotic behavior end after pledging or are we required to remain with a “domestic partner” afterwards? Is this why you all live together? I support the right of all to be happy and in love, and I would be honored to support your quest for equality and respect. (I think it is terrible what they say about you all on Fox News)

7. In your email you state “This fraternity has helped me grow in a variety of ways. It has helped me expand intellectually, emotionally and certainly physically. We pride ourselves on love, charity and esteem, this is the backbone of who we are.” What do you mean by expanding physically? Beer gut? Water retention? Also, if I already have a backbone can I get some type of refund off my dues?

Thank You for your time in responding to this email, I am really looking forward to joining your Boys’ Club. I know you are probably busy preparing the scrotum twister for next semester and I appreciate your attention! Go TKE!

Re: Re: TKE Informal Spring Recruitment

Dear Fergus

We at TKE appreacite your interest. Unfortunately you can’t get accepted as a grad student. The e-mail was for sophomores, juniors and seniors. But, again good luck with the masters program.

Take Care,

Rudolph MacGregor

I love the fake civility of it all – major points for maintaining the happy charade!